End the Mommy Wars

I abhor the mommy wars. This constant battle of one-upmanship has got to end. It has only gotten worse with the prevalence of social media. As moms try to out-do, out cook, out work each other it has become less about bragging on one’s own accomplishments and more about putting down and judging others. They feud over being a stay-at-home mom versus a working mom. Formula versus breastfeeding. Extended rear-facing car seats versus booster seats. There are certain comments you can depend on seeing on each and every blog. “I could never leave my precious snowflake; these formative years are SO important.” “I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I just stayed at home all day. I need something to DO.” Oh, and God forbid a mom be on welfare. Then she is judged for having a full fridge and how she spends her food stamps.

Why? When as women we have so much against us: sexual harassment, misogyny, wage discrepancy it makes more sense that we should be banding together instead of tearing each other down. Don’t we all have the same goal: healthy, kind, well-adjusted, and happy children? To keep our children fed and safe should be our primary concern. Not whether or not a random stranger on Facebook feeds her children too many Cheetos.

Someone shared a great picture of using a hanging shoe rack as a way to store daily snacks for the kids. Filled with juice pouches, chip packets, and crackers it seemed like a smooth and organized idea. One pocket per child, each day after school and Mom doesn’t have to worry anymore about dishing out snacks or the kids getting carried away.

However, the Sanctimommies were out in full force. Most of the comments circulated around how incredibly awful the snack choices were. “OH, NO! GMOs!” “Well that’s why we have an obesity epidemic.” Of course there was always my personal favorite, “You probably shouldn’t even have kids if....”

Yes. Women actually say that to other moms. Behind the safety of their cell phone or computer screen they are empowered to bully. As we teach our children to be kind and considerate we are bullying each other.

Yet lately, at least for me, it is getting more personal. It is harder to ignore because now we are arguing over semantics. “Single Mom” status specifically. The argument has snowballed into who is the most single of single moms. These women are arguing over who has a right to call themselves a single mom. As if they can judge what I, or any other mother, am going through.

They see her, but they do not really see her. They see her stained sweatshirt but they can’t see that she has been too busy hand washing baby clothes in the sink that she hasn’t had the time to wash her own clothes. They see her tangled, greasy hair pulled back in an unglamorous messy bun, but they don’t see that by the time she finally got her toddlers to bed she was too exhausted to even think about a shower. They look from the outside and judge her stroller, her car seat and her shopping choices. This is the Mommy Wars.

So, let’s talk about being a single mom. I have seen so much of this argument I decided to do a little research. Just typing in single mom into Google gave me first Wikipedia definitions and then two blogs: “What’s the Definition of a Single Mom,” and the first entry, “Who deserves to call themselves a ‘single mom?’”

Here’s a comment from the first blog:

They are both addressing my specific encounters. This prevailing attitude that only those women who are sole providers and sole caretakers with no outside help can claim this status. As if it is an accomplishment. It is not. It is a happenstance. Sometimes it happens by choice, but not always. I was not surprised, but still disappointed to see that the majority of the comments echoed Ela. I responded simply.

I am a single mom. My daughter’s dad is in the picture and sees her every other weekend and my parents also help out when I am in a bind. However, I am the only one to take her to the doctor. I am the only one to stay home with her when she is sick. It is my responsibility to make sure that she is clean and clothed and fed when she goes to school each day. It is also my job to make sure that we have a home and our bills are paid. I am working full time and going to school to make sure that I provide the best life possible for her. My example is her primary one because the 4 days a month she spends with her dad are not that formative.

I will not let anyone else define me. One of my professors said to myself and several other students, “I don’t know how you guys do it.” Well, the truth is we do it because we have to. Staying up late, getting up early, working when we are tired or sick, saving our sick days for when our kids are sick, and moving forward until we literally can’t continue: these are the things we do because we have to. It is not just a single mom thing; it is not just a mom thing. This is what we do as parents. I would love to see everyone get on board and get on the same team. Imagine how much stronger we can be together.